


Not Enough

by sryr



Category: End Roll (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Mentions of Suicide, Pairing if you Squint, Vignette
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-04
Updated: 2016-10-04
Packaged: 2018-08-19 11:28:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8204435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sryr/pseuds/sryr
Summary: Chris could only learn what happened to Russell through rumors. He still didn't have the heart to accept most of them though.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I promise to... make up for writing this by writing some smaller cute stuff for them. This isn't completely a pairing fic based on the lack of room I gave for exploring that avenue, but aspects of it could be interpreted that way. Since it's unclear I felt the & tag was more appropriate and despite how depressing it is, I hope you enjoy!

**i.**

Chris was used to the rumors about Russell. Hell, he even prided himself on what rumors he heard about himself and the few that coincided with Russell’s. No one ever seems to dislike either of them for it, but rather, he’d grown attached to the idea of being, ‘the bad kid’.

At first, he was worried Russell would mind, but considering he did nothing to deter the statements nor even seemed to care, Chris stopped worrying. The first time he’d asked about it Russell had flat out told him it didn’t bother him and though he at times was hard to read, Chris was willing to take it at face value. However, some of the rumors that started sprouting were… more concerning than simply “fun”.

_“Did you hear about that zookeeper who died last week? Who would do something like that?”_

**_“Yeah, it’s pretty messed up… did they ever catch who did it?”_ **

_“Not yet… I hope they do soon. We were supposed to have a field trip there at the end of the year, but if people like that hang out there I’d rather not go.”_

Russell was skipping class for the day and Chris had been planning to skip with him, but the bit of gossip he overheard while leaving coincided with something he didn’t want to think about.

_Didn’t Russell mention going to the zoo the other day?_

When asked about it, all he said was that the monkeys were too loud and he went home after, but…

Russell was scary, but not that scary right? It was all a coincidence surely.

**ii.**

He hadn’t wanted to accept the rumors going around now mainly because they were too painful to imagine. Chris had denied what he’d heard the day before right up until they were seated in the assembly hall. There were plenty of empty seats—which he tried to ignore were mostly from their class—as the principal began explaining why they were there.

The speech had mostly went in one ear and out the other until one phrase stuck.

“…your fellow classmate Gardenia…” he kept trying to deny it, but there was no changing the end of the sentence, there was no changing the phrase, “is no longer with us.”

People from their class had been crying throughout the speech and at that part, Chris couldn’t stop himself from joining them. The principal continued on listing the type of student and person she was, but none of it mattered. He just wanted to get out of there and avoid acknowledging that she was gone.

He was so distracted by his misery that he missed Russell reaching over to hold his hand with his usual blend of social awkwardness. Russell tended to skip more than him and go sometimes in places even he had no idea of so to see him here was shocking.

Normally, he’d be afraid to be so blunt, but there’s something that strikes him as _wrong_ about Russell’s reaction and with how blank and uncaring he appeared, Chris can’t help the anger that filled him.

“Don’t you care at all? You were there weren’t you? At the party? Why do you look bored by all this?”

The questions were hushed because they were still in the auditorium, but there was a twitch from the hand Russell offered in an attempt at comforting him before he withdrew it entirely. Chris knew not everyone handled death in the same way, but rather than seem lost and distraught or even as outwardly upset as Chris was, Russell seemed to give nothing away regarding how he felt; _if_ he felt.

“You’re so cold Russell.”

**iii.**

It didn’t take long for Chris to make up with Russell mainly because as angry as he felt, it didn’t stop the typical worry that came whenever he caught Russell wincing or wearing bandages. Due to his actions, Russell had been labeled as a delinquent like Chris and his friends, but he knew that even still more often than not, Russell was always on his own.

“I thought you hated me now,” Russell commented at Chris’ offer to skip with him and it was the still ever present blank state of his friend’s face that drove home how distant he was from expressing himself properly.

“No, I…”  he paused trying to be careful with his words, “I’m sorry I said what I did, I just still can’t believe she’s gone. And on her birthday! I… never even got to say anything to her because I chickened out of going.”

“I think I was just jealous that you at least got to see her that last time while I… I can’t even remember the last thing I said to her.”

Russell was quiet at that and the familiar burn that took over before has him seconds from admitting it had been his birthday too. The fact didn’t change anything and it wouldn’t give any solace to his only friend’s suffering.

He’d pushed Gardenia down those stairs and there was nothing he could do to take it back. If he were honest, there was nothing really motivating him to even wish he had taken it back.

“It’s fine.  I’m used to it,” he wasn’t actually. The idea of someone being jealous enough that they were angry at him was new, but he is used to people despising him.

Chris remembered how Russell has it at home and tried to push past how guilty he felt for similarly blowing up on him. Knowing how he was didn’t make Chris feel better about the lack of reaction, but given what he did know, once he’d had time to cool down it made how he did react a little easier to understand.

“It’s not; really… I’m sorry. If you feel up to it, we can go to my place today and play for a bit. I’ll even let you beat me in that game you brought over to make up for it,” he laughed despite the fact Russell usually won anyway. The quiet nod Russell gave in answer is enough to ease the bad atmosphere as they slipped out of the building and towards the bad side of town.

Russell wasn’t sure how to feel or respond when Chris tried to catch up by asking what he’d been up to. Images of a burning church and a medicine shop owner bleeding to death in his own home came to mind, but all he thought to reply with is a calm and collected ‘nothing’.

**iv.**

“I’m going back early today.”

The comment was enough to warrant shock—with a dash of worry thrown in—as Russell _never_ went home right after school if he could help it. One part of Chris, had hoped that meant things were getting better, but another knew it was wrong.

“Oh? Uh, well, I’ll be at my place or probably in the neighborhood if you change your mind.”

Russell started getting more bruises, but Chris wasn’t sure how to help or really what to say. He’d never been a particularly open person, but bit by bit, his friend had been getting steadily more withdrawn than before. As a way to try asking in a not so serious manner, Chris once jokingly asked if he started going home early because of that police woman that caught them a few times, but Russell’s reaction only made it clear he shouldn’t have asked.

That was the first time he’d ever actually seen him afraid, and Chris hated that there was little to nothing he could do about any of it.

A few weeks after, Russell stopped attending school altogether.

**v.**

Chris was used to the rumors about Russell. Since his disappearance, they'd become worse and when it was revealed where he was, they got ugly. Nowadays, Chris wasn’t sure what to think.

_“Fourteen and on death row, that’s so scary. I knew he always seemed kind of off, but I can’t believe we were in the same class as a murderer.”_

**_“I heard the teachers talking about it; apparently he killed his own parents.”_ **

_“I heard he did more than that. He was the one who pushed Gardenia down the stairs.”_

Russell was cold and sometimes scary, but he wasn’t like that was he? As much as he didn’t want to think or admit it, Chris could understand why Russell might actually kill his parents. Gardenia though…

Why didn’t Russell say anything?

Why did he not rely on him more?

Why did he have to do something so terrible…

**vi.**

No one seemed to care as the principal went on about Russell. There was less to say and namely, less _nice_ things to say. He never addressed the rumors that had spread and it had been up to the student body to decide for themselves what was true and what was false.

Chris didn’t want to believe any of it. A part of him, namely couldn’t. It put him penduluming between disbelief over what people had said Russell did and guilt at how if he had tried to reach out more or be more insistent maybe things wouldn’t have turned out the way it did. If he had been a better friend, maybe Russell wouldn’t have done all these things.

He wouldn’t be off who knows where awaiting a death sentence.

There was nothing he could do though. What was done, was done and it was what good memories he had of his friend that kept him from believing the rumors.

He wouldn’t ever know about the experiment Russell had gone though. He’d never know that his actions had punished him enough to drive him to his own suicide.

He’d never know that the very same kindness Chris felt now and had wanted to give before it was too late was the same kindness that ultimately destroyed Russell.


End file.
